I’m sure most of my Busby SEO Test friends have fallen or is in (or out of) love at this point. Surprisingly, not understanding how “love” works can put any of us into chaos. That is why Andrew G. Marshall’s book, “I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship” is an interesting one to read. The author explains that love can be classified into three types. They are:

• LIMERENCE
  A term coined by experimental pyschologist Dorothy Tennov. This comes when a spark of interest is returned and becomes a thunderbolt. In another view, this can also sneak up and in retrospect the moment is recognized as something very special – like a realization or you see someone in a different light.

  It is possible for the object of desire to remain a complete stranger or unaware of our feelings. It can be a borderline crazy obsession or love behavior. It is a curse as much as it is a pleasure. Love is given no matter how bad or good the other behaves. That is how strong the attraction is.

  However, it is also normal for it to wear off as we move on to the next affair hoping the “buzz” will last forever. A limerence may last from 6 months to 3 years.  So don’t feel bad if the feeling just dies. It is like talking about loving but not being in love at all. Lines like “true love conquers all” and “I’ll love you no matter what” are built on poet’s experience of limerence.

• LOVING ATTACHMENT (after LIMERENCE)
  Marshall says that this is equally beautiful as limerence although is more practical, tackles life complexities, and practical demands of being together. However, love can deteriorate once parties take each other for granted. This includes lack of physical intimacy and preventing each other from being different enough.

  However, if reciprocity is consistent, it can last forever.

• AFFECTIONATE REGARD
  If loving attachment has been neglected and couples have detached, their “love” turns into affectionate regard. This is the same feeling we have for our parents, children, siblings, and best friends. It makes us care for someone, wanting the best for them, but their destiny no longer intertwines with us. It is like no matter how bad our children treat us or friends/lovers disappoint us, our “love” (affectionate regard) for them endures.

  This is where the love is when someone says the line, “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

Marshall believes that any relationship can be saved and has a seven step process for it that includes:

• Understanding the stages of a relationship
• Using arguments to improve a relationship
• Speak the same language of love
• Boosting intimacy
• Taking responsibility
• Giving
• Learning

It is a great read and I encourage you to check it out.

Related:

• 10 Ways to Say I Love You
• 20 Secrets of Great Relationships

Maintaining a relationship whether for love, friendship, among others requires commitment and interest. The same heart that Busby SEO Test participants devote in this competition. David Niven, author of 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships, shared what scientists have learned in his book. Here are 20 of them that caught my attention.

1. The mundane is heroic

Sacrificing your immediate preferences and being committed to sharing, caring, and listening are mundane but heroic steps toward your lifetime relationship goals.

2. See possibilities where others see obstacles

Constant attention to the weaknesses of any relationship will weaken it. Constant attention to the strengths of any relationship will strengthen it.

3. Set rules for conflict

Decide on how you can air concerns to each other in a format that allows both of you to participate.

4. Anyone can find a happy relationship

Fulfilling relationships have everything to do with who you are but not with what you are.

5. It’s not how hard you try

Work on your relationship with logic and reason, not with maximum effort.

6. You have nothing to envy

Don’t be envious or compete to become better than your partner. Real prize of content and more satisfying relationship goes to those who refuse to compete with their partner.

7. Attitude triumphs over outcome

Continue being someone who contributes to others’ happiness, see the good around you, and offer love, affection, and support to the right partner.

8. Don’t be bound by tradition

Live within your own standards.

9. The past is not the future

Learn from your experience and avoid mistakes of the past.

10. No one wins the comparison game

Your relationship must be evaluated based on your own needs, not on the relationship success of those around you.

11. See the love around you

Think of the many people who love you and the depth of their love for you.

12. Doing nothing is rarely a solution

Approach relationship problems with all your attention and abilities, the way you would be approaching anything that is important to you.

13. Pursue what you need forever, not what you want today

View the search for a happy relationship not as a process of immediate satisfaction but as a means to pursue your fundamental needs.

14. The Relationship Test: Are you Lonely?

If you are in a relationship and you say yes, then the relationship is not meeting your most fundamental needs.

15. A relationship requires two equals

In the project that is a relationship, no one gets top billing because without two equals there is no relationship.

16. Cultivate a common interest

Common interests encourage positive communication, fun, and they strengthen the connection between partners.

17. Money can’t buy love, but it can buy stress

Put money in its place — behind what really matters to you.

18. There are no mind readers

We often set up our partners to fail us in situations by not disclosing our feelings and the situation as we see it. When you need support, explain the situation. The response you receive will not only be meaningful but also more powerful.

19. Friends speak from experience – their own

Value their friendship, but understand that their advice applies primarily to themselves.

20. Drink less

Light drinkers are happier and more confident in their relationships.

Related:

• 10 Ways to Say I Love You